Morally Corrupt?
So, I have this friend. She's run down a raggedy path lately, and she's not a perfect person (really, who is?). She had a baby at 16, but she's got a good place to live with her father and she's got a job and a loving boyfriend (the baby's actual father), but she couldn't juggle school, baby, job and boyfriend, so she left her baby with her father and moved in with her boyfriend, with the full intention of finishing school and then building her life up so she can better take care of her baby. But then she decided that she had a decent enough job, and she really couldn't live without seeing her child, so she dropped out of school and moved back in with her father.
Things have been going well. Her boyfriend asked her to marry him (she's 18 now), she's got her child, the love and support of her family, a stable job...but yesterday I found out that our mutual best friends aren't friends with her anymore because they found out that she'd cheated on her boyfriend and was planning on doing it again. So, because they know that what she was doing was wrong, they told her boyfriend. And then told her they couldn't be friends with her because cheating was the "last straw" for them.
Now, I can't really understand why they'd give up their almost 5 year old friendship because she made a few bad choices. One, it's none of our business if she cheats on her boyfriend or not. Sure, it makes her kind of sleazy, but does that change how she acts around us? Two, she'd never give up on us if we did something bad. Three, if her life is working out just fine without school, why should we tell her what she's doing is horribly, horribly wrong?
I mean, I have to confess, if I actually knew her boyfriend personally, I would probably have done something too...But that's just being considerate of other people. Would you want your doctor to not tell you your mother had a heartattack and then tell you you're not allowed to see her or ask her how she is? I don't think I'd approach the boyfriend, though. I'd try to appeal to my friend and tell her that she really needs to straighten things out. And if she didn't, I'd try a bit harder and if I still wasn't getting anywhere, I'd tell that if she wouldn't tell him herself, I would for her.
But she'd still be my friend no matter what. I liked her before I knew about all her flaws, so why should I stop liking her now that they're out in the open? She didn't do anything to personally offend either one of our friends, and I can see that they would be a bit skeptical about whether or not she's really trustworthy or not (I mean, you've probably gotta be a pretty good liar to get away with cheating), but still. Friends are supposed to be able to talk about everything and know that their secrets will be kept safe. Some secrets are meant to be told, I know that (i.e. Bulemia, Anorexia and other things that could seriously hurt the friend with the secret), but isn't a friend supposed to be someone who'll be your shoulder to cry on and who's not afraid to slap you in the face when you need it?
I don't think telling your friend's boyfriend your friend is cheating on him and then telling your friend you're not friends with them anymore really falls under the category of "slap in the face". More like "I don't think your lifestyle really fits mine and I won't compromise, so I'll just forget everything we ever had and throw the broken shards of your life in your face for kicks". < -- And that's not friendship.
So should I give those two friends the slap in the face they kind of need or respect their decision to dump one of their best friends?
x/
--Cassy
Things have been going well. Her boyfriend asked her to marry him (she's 18 now), she's got her child, the love and support of her family, a stable job...but yesterday I found out that our mutual best friends aren't friends with her anymore because they found out that she'd cheated on her boyfriend and was planning on doing it again. So, because they know that what she was doing was wrong, they told her boyfriend. And then told her they couldn't be friends with her because cheating was the "last straw" for them.
Now, I can't really understand why they'd give up their almost 5 year old friendship because she made a few bad choices. One, it's none of our business if she cheats on her boyfriend or not. Sure, it makes her kind of sleazy, but does that change how she acts around us? Two, she'd never give up on us if we did something bad. Three, if her life is working out just fine without school, why should we tell her what she's doing is horribly, horribly wrong?
I mean, I have to confess, if I actually knew her boyfriend personally, I would probably have done something too...But that's just being considerate of other people. Would you want your doctor to not tell you your mother had a heartattack and then tell you you're not allowed to see her or ask her how she is? I don't think I'd approach the boyfriend, though. I'd try to appeal to my friend and tell her that she really needs to straighten things out. And if she didn't, I'd try a bit harder and if I still wasn't getting anywhere, I'd tell that if she wouldn't tell him herself, I would for her.
But she'd still be my friend no matter what. I liked her before I knew about all her flaws, so why should I stop liking her now that they're out in the open? She didn't do anything to personally offend either one of our friends, and I can see that they would be a bit skeptical about whether or not she's really trustworthy or not (I mean, you've probably gotta be a pretty good liar to get away with cheating), but still. Friends are supposed to be able to talk about everything and know that their secrets will be kept safe. Some secrets are meant to be told, I know that (i.e. Bulemia, Anorexia and other things that could seriously hurt the friend with the secret), but isn't a friend supposed to be someone who'll be your shoulder to cry on and who's not afraid to slap you in the face when you need it?
I don't think telling your friend's boyfriend your friend is cheating on him and then telling your friend you're not friends with them anymore really falls under the category of "slap in the face". More like "I don't think your lifestyle really fits mine and I won't compromise, so I'll just forget everything we ever had and throw the broken shards of your life in your face for kicks". < -- And that's not friendship.
So should I give those two friends the slap in the face they kind of need or respect their decision to dump one of their best friends?
x/
--Cassy
Comments
And by going to the fiance or bf, that's actually what most people would do. Especially if the bf is a nice guy and doesn't deserve to get hurt like that.
Also, if she planned on doing it again, even I would have said something.
But before you go and rant on your friends over something like this, make sure you know EVERYTHING that was going on. You said that cheating was the "last straw," well, what were the other straws?
Dropping out of school, giving her child to her father, cheating, etc. Look at it as a whole. The poor girl doesn't have her life together.
But back to my original statement, you have to respect their decisions. It's THEIR choice. Who knows? Things could change deary.
You say I should respect their decision, right? Well, did they respect hers?
Like you said, things could change. That doesn't just go for friends.
And with quoting what you said, "You say I should respect their decision, right? Well, did they respect hers?" Well, what about her decision to leave school? Or to leave her child, even if for only a small amount of time?
There must have been another way for her to juggle all those things. There are people worse off than she was in high school and they got through. They didn't drop out because it was too much. I know some kids that don't even come to school to babysit a sick younger sibling because their parental unit can't afford to have someone else watch said sibling or they were too sick to be left alone.
From what you said, it sounded like that she could get to school every day for the most part. And if she could have left the baby with her dad for a while, I think it's safe to assume he could watch the baby during the day, right?
I understand the job thing, though. The work environment is not forgiving and not very flexible in most cases. But the boyfriend/fiancé is NOT a job, it is a CHOICE. Now, I do remember that this guy is the baby's father but he is NOT an excuse as to making/a part of everything too much to handle.
And quoting Anonymous #1, “But before you go and rant on your friends over something like this, make sure you know EVERYTHING that was going on. You said that cheating was the "last straw," well, what were the other straws? Dropping out of school, giving her child to her father, cheating, etc. Look at it as a whole. The poor girl doesn't have her life together.”
And what WOULD be the last straw? Even you said that you would tell her if you couldn’t get her to realize. What if your friends tried to do the same thing? And from the sounds of it, mom-friend got mad at them for saying something, enough to the point where friendships ended.
Look, I’m not trying to criticize your mom-friend, you, or your mutual friends. I’m just telling you how I see things from my perspective. And from the sounds of it, everyone needs to hear ALL sides of the story from each other. If it ends up with the mutual friend cutting off their ties to mom-friend for good, oh well. That is their choice. At least you will know why this time, versus just assuming what happened.
Things always change. We lose friends because maybe it wasn’t supposed to be or we figure out who our real friends are. But in the end, we shouldn’t reprimand those who we lose. Like you said, no one is perfect. And with the way you ended your blog, not the reply to Anonymous #1, neither are you.
You pretty much said that if you weren’t going to respect their decision, you would give them a taste of their own medicine. All in all, that sounds pretty disrespectful to me…
I did respect their decision and I didn't ask questions or anything. I heard both side of the story and I did find out everything eventually. I chose to remain friends with her, because, like you said, nobody's perfect. If we give up friends just because they make mistakes, it seems kind of heartless to me. And yes, I'm aware about the last straw and everything, but still.
I know these people and I know that there was no other way for my friend to handle her problems with the baby and school and everything. She is reenrolling and starts school again on Monday, so I'm very proud of her.
This blog was just to help me figure out my own feelings...I knew I wouldn't be mad at her, but I wanted to know what to say if the subject ever came up with the mutuals.
I also believe I said that sometimes they need a slap in the face to make them see reality for what it is. Like I said, I know them and I'm pretty good at knowing what they need and when they need it. It's why we've been best friends for 7 years. But I decided that they didn't need the slap, so I didn't give it to them. Simple as that. If they want to stop being friends, I can't do anything about it.
I'll conclude with saying that this blog is just meant to convey my feelings at the time I write the entries, sometimes I do a follow-up, sometimes I don't. Mostly I don't. Mostly I come to terms with the situations and if I feel like it in a later post, I'll write down what happened.
But I thank both of you for your advice. It was a slap in the face, if you know what I mean.