Stuck in Place

...that's how I feel right now. It's like no matter how much I try to grow, how I try to open myself up, I just can't move forward in my life. Love life, social life, academic life, spiritual life, any life. All around me I can see my friends, my family growing, expanding, moving on, living their lives, and I just feel stuck.


I just have to wonder if it's because I'm just beginning my last year of high school, two years later than all of my friends, or if these feelings have been festering in me for a long time. Would things be different if we had stayed in America or was this fate, this feeling inevitable, unstoppable?

Is it something I could've done, was there something I missed or am I doing everything as destiny had planned for me? I'm at the breaking point now, I'm losing my sanity here. I wish it was over. I wish the paper was written, the finals were over, and the next level could begin.

College: It scares me. I'll be on my own for the first time ever. Moving away, no mother, no sister, no family to fall back on. When Phoebe moved back home to America, there was a period where I had to get used to having a room to myself. It was harder than anything I'd done until that point in my life. I had certain luxuries to hide my sadness and uncertainty in, mostly my dog, because he served as a replacement for my sister. But then he was taken away and that still haunts me.

Now I have two cats to fill the void Benji and Phoebe collectively left in me, but slowly but surely that void is getting bigger and bigger and harder to fill. I'm a creature that needs affection, not only by animals, but by humans as well. That'll be hard to come by when I'm not living with anyone I know.

I'm slowly losing faith and hope in myself. But I don't want people to feel bad for me or try and make me feel better, because I won't. I'm set in this and sympathy would only make me feel worse right now, so thanks but no thanks.

--Cassy

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