30 Day Writing Challenge: Day Three

Something with which I struggle

I struggle daily with the fact that I live over 4000 miles away from the most important people in my life (i.e. my family, my best friends, my boyfriend, my sister, my nephew, etc.). I don't want to be like "wah, wah, wah, I live in Europe, I'm a spoiled brat, my life sucks", because that would definitely not be me (most of the time ;)). No, my big problem is that my entire childhood was spent with these people, they're a very solid constant in my life, and things like holidays and special occasions are really hard to handle without them.

I couldn't go to two of my cousins' weddings, my best friends' graduations, my sister's college graduation, various family parties, prom with my best friends...It's hard. Sure, I have friends in Austria, and I love them dearly and I will definitely miss them when I (and yes, I will) leave, but it's not the same. The connections I made with the people back in the States are much stronger than those of the friends I've made here. For one, family is family and that's the strongest connection I can imagine. And for two, my best friends in the States I've known for literally half my life now. They're the first friends I didn't ditch after I moved, they're the first friends that I know absolutely I would do anything for. We've been through so much together that severing the connection between us would be dangerous for all parties involved.

We've survived the move, various boyfriends, strains on our personal relationships with each other and other people, family problems, depression, cutting, death and more. Life without them (and by this I mean COMPLETELY) is unfathomable.

But what I'm trying to get at here is the fact that I struggle every day with the desire to see them, talk to them in person instead of over IMing or the phone. Sometimes I think I should scrap all my plans for the future and just go back to the States and rough it like my sister, but at the same time I maintain my decision to study in Europe and move back when I have a degree to show.

Anyway, it's something I struggle with and I tried and smile through it, try to make people think I'm not suffering inside, but the truth is, I am. I just don't usually share my feelings.

--Cassy

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