I'm Falling and I Can't Get Up
I broke down in a Redner's parking lot a few days ago. I just sat in the car, engine off, silent, staring at the steering wheel for a full five minutes before the first tear slipped down my face. The entire time, though, all I could think was, "I'm so stupid. I should not be crying right now." But I was. Because I was hurt. Because I was sad. Because for the umpteenth time in my life, a connection I had hoped and wished for was not made, and my expectations were bitterly not met. And it really, really stung.
But the thing is, I had absolutely no reason to have any expectations at all. Not really, anyway. I went by a co-worker's place to pick up an Ace bandage that I had lent him because my wrist had started hurting. I was totally content to pick it up at work whenever, but he'd insisted I should come pick it up that day because he "felt bad" and wanted me to have it back. So I went.
On the way there, I played up the encounter in my mind. Maybe I'd go inside, we'd hang out like we'd been talking about ever since I met him, and it would be a fun day off, instead of what awaited me at home (read: binge-watching Supernatural with my sister -- not that that's not fun, but still...getting out of the house is always a main goal on a day off).
When I got there, he was sitting on the porch, bandage in one hand, and a phone held up to his ear in the other. I walked toward the porch, and he immediately got up, smiled, handed me the bandage, and waved a dismissal at me.
Luckily, I was quick-witted enough to catch on right away and gave him a half-smile and a wave in return before scampering back to my car, trying desperately not to let his roommate, also on the porch, see that that whole exchange had definitely not been up to par with my thoughts.
Unfortunately, once I was back in the car, I still had to drive right past him. He waved again, and I nodded in acknowledgement.
It wasn't until I rounded the corner that I realized I needed to spend some time away from the house to make it seem like my life wasn't as pathetic and tragic as it really was.
So I decided to buy cat food. Because I now realize that this is my future. Rejection from men leading to me going home to seek solace from my feline companion(s). I am the 23-(almost-24-in-a-few-days-)year-old cat lady.
As I drove, winding through back roads and streets that would lead me farther away from home to gain a few fruitful minutes, I started thinking. This is always my downfall. No matter where I am -- work, home, school -- if I get too much time to myself, I start to think about my life and its failed relationship-experiments (I can't even rightly say "relationships" that's how horrible my love life is) and it always, without pause, brings me into a spiraling pit of "you fucking suck."
Which brings me back to the supermarket parking lot where I sat in my car and broke down. A few solitary tears at first to try and not get carried away, but it was no use. I was just lucky that no one in the parking lot seemed to realize I was still in my car, because for ten minutes, I was sobbing into my hands.
Let me tell you, I could totally win the "sit in a hot car for ten minutes" challenge.
Now, I'm not going to tell you that I suddenly had an epiphany and realized that I'm amazing and boys should drop to their knees at my feet because I'm confident as all what-not. That definitely did not happen. Because I'm not.
The little mantras that people always talk about giving themselves to feel confident don't work on me. I can't make myself believe that because I'm pretty I can get any guy I want. Because I'm smart people will like me. Because I'm funny, people will want to hang out with me.
I've heard these things (and many more) from people my entire life.
"You're such a great person, guys will be lining up to date you." Um, yeah, that's NEVER happened.
"You're not dating anyone? How is that possible?" Because apparently I repel men.
"I don't get it." Neither do I. Neither. Do. I.
They mean well, trying to boost my confidence, but it just has the reverse effect. Instead of being all, "Hey, I AM great! Why isn't anyone dating me? I should go ask someone out!" I turn to, "If I'm so fucking great, why the hell can't I get a date? Why does everyone have an excuse when I try to make plans? Why do people consistently back out of plans at the last minute? Why do I only ever hang out with people once and then never again, IF they even show up? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not as awesome as people claim I am? Do I offend people? Do I smell? What the hell is it?"
Maybe it's the fact that I wait for guys to ask me out.
I feel like, for one, it's traditional, and I like that.
Two, if I ask him out I'm setting myself up for yet another rejection (because I've been down this road).
Three, I seem pushy, and I hate seeming pushy because I've been on the receiving end of pushy and it's uncomfortable.
Four, I don't actually know if he likes me like I like him, so the only real way to know is if he asks me out. Because if I ask him out and he says yes, he might not think it's a date.
Maybe it's because I'm smart. I read that one in an article. I'm smart. I'm proud to be smart. I'm not going to dumb myself down for anybody, because that's just fucking annoying and not the truth and I DON'T WANT TO BASE ANY RELATIONSHIP ON LIES. But really, is it too much to ask to find a smart guy?
Maybe it's because I literally do not have a social life. I don't go out. I don't go to bars, or clubs (not that there are many clubs where I live, but I'm near a big city, sooo). I don't sit in coffee shops. I'm not in school right now, so there's no way to meet fellow students. I don't even have any actual friends that I could hang out with anymore, so I don't go out with her. I go to work, and I go back home. This is it.
Now, I have to confess that I feel bad about all of this right now. I HAVE gotten asked out by people in the past. But these people have been people around whom I am just not comfortable (the pushy people I mentioned above). I'm not so desperate that I would allow myself to feel severely uncomfortable all night just for the sake of a date.
It's all very simple. The guys I want to date don't want to date me, and I don't want to date the guys that do want to date me.
I can hold out hope that there HAS to be someone out there for me. But I'm not holding my breath.
Because I would have been long dead by now if I had.
But the thing is, I had absolutely no reason to have any expectations at all. Not really, anyway. I went by a co-worker's place to pick up an Ace bandage that I had lent him because my wrist had started hurting. I was totally content to pick it up at work whenever, but he'd insisted I should come pick it up that day because he "felt bad" and wanted me to have it back. So I went.
On the way there, I played up the encounter in my mind. Maybe I'd go inside, we'd hang out like we'd been talking about ever since I met him, and it would be a fun day off, instead of what awaited me at home (read: binge-watching Supernatural with my sister -- not that that's not fun, but still...getting out of the house is always a main goal on a day off).
When I got there, he was sitting on the porch, bandage in one hand, and a phone held up to his ear in the other. I walked toward the porch, and he immediately got up, smiled, handed me the bandage, and waved a dismissal at me.
Luckily, I was quick-witted enough to catch on right away and gave him a half-smile and a wave in return before scampering back to my car, trying desperately not to let his roommate, also on the porch, see that that whole exchange had definitely not been up to par with my thoughts.
Unfortunately, once I was back in the car, I still had to drive right past him. He waved again, and I nodded in acknowledgement.
It wasn't until I rounded the corner that I realized I needed to spend some time away from the house to make it seem like my life wasn't as pathetic and tragic as it really was.
So I decided to buy cat food. Because I now realize that this is my future. Rejection from men leading to me going home to seek solace from my feline companion(s). I am the 23-(almost-24-in-a-few-days-)year-old cat lady.
As I drove, winding through back roads and streets that would lead me farther away from home to gain a few fruitful minutes, I started thinking. This is always my downfall. No matter where I am -- work, home, school -- if I get too much time to myself, I start to think about my life and its failed relationship-experiments (I can't even rightly say "relationships" that's how horrible my love life is) and it always, without pause, brings me into a spiraling pit of "you fucking suck."
Which brings me back to the supermarket parking lot where I sat in my car and broke down. A few solitary tears at first to try and not get carried away, but it was no use. I was just lucky that no one in the parking lot seemed to realize I was still in my car, because for ten minutes, I was sobbing into my hands.
Let me tell you, I could totally win the "sit in a hot car for ten minutes" challenge.
Now, I'm not going to tell you that I suddenly had an epiphany and realized that I'm amazing and boys should drop to their knees at my feet because I'm confident as all what-not. That definitely did not happen. Because I'm not.
The little mantras that people always talk about giving themselves to feel confident don't work on me. I can't make myself believe that because I'm pretty I can get any guy I want. Because I'm smart people will like me. Because I'm funny, people will want to hang out with me.
I've heard these things (and many more) from people my entire life.
"You're such a great person, guys will be lining up to date you." Um, yeah, that's NEVER happened.
"You're not dating anyone? How is that possible?" Because apparently I repel men.
"I don't get it." Neither do I. Neither. Do. I.
They mean well, trying to boost my confidence, but it just has the reverse effect. Instead of being all, "Hey, I AM great! Why isn't anyone dating me? I should go ask someone out!" I turn to, "If I'm so fucking great, why the hell can't I get a date? Why does everyone have an excuse when I try to make plans? Why do people consistently back out of plans at the last minute? Why do I only ever hang out with people once and then never again, IF they even show up? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not as awesome as people claim I am? Do I offend people? Do I smell? What the hell is it?"
Maybe it's the fact that I wait for guys to ask me out.
I feel like, for one, it's traditional, and I like that.
Two, if I ask him out I'm setting myself up for yet another rejection (because I've been down this road).
Three, I seem pushy, and I hate seeming pushy because I've been on the receiving end of pushy and it's uncomfortable.
Four, I don't actually know if he likes me like I like him, so the only real way to know is if he asks me out. Because if I ask him out and he says yes, he might not think it's a date.
Maybe it's because I'm smart. I read that one in an article. I'm smart. I'm proud to be smart. I'm not going to dumb myself down for anybody, because that's just fucking annoying and not the truth and I DON'T WANT TO BASE ANY RELATIONSHIP ON LIES. But really, is it too much to ask to find a smart guy?
Maybe it's because I literally do not have a social life. I don't go out. I don't go to bars, or clubs (not that there are many clubs where I live, but I'm near a big city, sooo). I don't sit in coffee shops. I'm not in school right now, so there's no way to meet fellow students. I don't even have any actual friends that I could hang out with anymore, so I don't go out with her. I go to work, and I go back home. This is it.
Now, I have to confess that I feel bad about all of this right now. I HAVE gotten asked out by people in the past. But these people have been people around whom I am just not comfortable (the pushy people I mentioned above). I'm not so desperate that I would allow myself to feel severely uncomfortable all night just for the sake of a date.
It's all very simple. The guys I want to date don't want to date me, and I don't want to date the guys that do want to date me.
I can hold out hope that there HAS to be someone out there for me. But I'm not holding my breath.
Because I would have been long dead by now if I had.
Comments
Second, can I tell you how sometimes I wish I was you? I have never, ever held my own standards. You're waiting. You're waiting for the the right guy to come along. You want tradition. I never waited. And we all see where that has gotten me in the past. Two children from a man who cheated relentlessly, a man who NEVER went according to plan, a man who used me, and a man who never compromised so I was forced to change. I wish I could say I didn't change for a man. I wish I could say I turned down a guy because he gave me a bad vibe. I'm beginning to see it's a lack of confidence in myself. You've got it all wrong. You do have confidence in yourself. You have respect for yourself. I wish I could say the same.
Third, it's hard meeting people. Like you said, you're not in school. You don't go to bars and clubs. (Although, those really aren't the place to meet people to be honest.) I didn't either and I met all my past men on the internet. As you can see, not the best decisions I've made.
Fourth, I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you broke down. I would have treated you to ice cream or something. I miss you so much. I miss being able to vent to you when I was frustrated or hurting. I can imagine it's the same for you. You're my best friend, Chloe. Please know that even though I'm 3,000 miles away, I'm still here for you. I always will be. ♥